“If I wasn’t a Christian, I would’ve killed you years ago.” I can still remember saying that to a friend back in high school. Even though we were joking around, it was probably indicative of a much deeper problem in my soul.
My friend and I were talking about what we would do if we weren’t bound by Christian convictions and ethics. Basically, we liked to play the “what if” game. Some people don’t have much patience for this game, but Paul apparently liked it (1 Cor.15- “what if Christ is not risen from the dead?”).
While I can’t remember his hypothesis, but my own speculation was this: if I wasn’t a Christian, I probably would’ve killed a few people before taking myself out in some dramatic fashion (wrestling a bear, maybe). This sounds dark, but when you’re shooting your mouth off as a high school kid, you don’t always ponder the weight of your own words.
Why did I tend toward destruction (both my own and others’)? Why not, “If I wasn’t a Christian, I’d steal a lot of stuff” or “if I wasn’t a Christian, I’d become a paranormal investigator and make some sweet coin on my own T.V. show”? Because I had rage issues. And I find I still do.
Now let me be clear. You will never see me storming down the sidewalk, tripping children and kicking blind puppies. I’ve learned to control it. I’m actually a very laid back, peaceful guy. I’m just a peaceful guy with a proclivity for rage.
I tend to be passive-impulsive. That’s probably a psychological category, but here’s how I use it: I’ll get a sudden surge of anger, but I won’t do anything about. Some imagined slight from an acquaintance. Some careless word from a friend. A direct insult from someone I don’t much care for.
It could be anything.
It will immediately become enrage, but you would never know. Externally, I’d look calm. But internally, it would simmer and fester there just beneath the surface. It’s terrible. It breeds bitterness and resentment and I end up plotting terrible things on the people that wrong me and tearing them apart in my mind. But again, it’s passive. Nothing will ever be acted out. And that, of course, means that I will rarely resolve the issue with the person who’s offended me. And that’s not healthy.
There’s a great line from this great movie called the Avengers. You may have heard of it. At one point, Bruce Banner turns to Captain America and says, “That’s my secret, Captain: I’m always angry.” When I heard that line, I instantly identified with it.
I can look as calm as a Hindu cow, but if I’m not careful, anger and rage and resentment can sneak in and eat away at me. They can combine to become a constant presence in me. And before I know it, I’m living life, trying to love people and honor everyone with a time bomb just beneath my ribs.
Sure, I’m not always angry. Sometimes, I’m very happy. But anger and rage and wrath are the struggles that come up most often. You have yours. I have mine. We learn to control them and we deal.
Now, this brings up the question: is my love, then, sincere? Paul tells Christians that our love should be genuine. So, if I’m loving people while I’m angry, am I really loving them?
I’m angry because my pride has been wounded or I feel I’ve been cheated out of something I was supposedly owed. Rage turns me inward, introspectively and forcefully focusing on my self. Love, as a rule, is others-focused. So, I find this law at work: two opposite forces, rage and love, active in the same body. That sounds like a pretty common Christian experience to me (see also Romans 7:7-25).
But what do you think? If you’re a Christian, can you imagine what your life would be like without Christ? What does such a scenario tell you about your particular inclinations as a broken human being? Is there any value in the “what if” exercise when applied to matters of faith?
Oh, wow (again) Jason. I feel like my soul has just be filleted and laid out in the sun to bake! One thing I know is that “the Way” is good…entirely. Sometimes I slip out of acting on it, but as I look back, it always works. I can’t think of a time where I would have come out ahead responding as a pagan. If not for Christ, I would not have been able to bear life beyond, say, age 21 because I fight daily to keep from getting sucked into the ways of Cain also. “And the Lord said to Cain, Why are you angry? And why do you look sad and depressed and dejected?” Rarely angry for long but sad, depressed and dejected fit perfectly. Ouch. Please keep writing!
i think it’s a very health exercise. because it’s always healthy to question things. It seems to me that christians ought to be amazed at how much sin there isn’t being done in the world, even though i don’t think i ever see anyone saying it, all that is talked about is the sin that is done, or at least that the way it seems. a lot of things are referred to as a slippery slope, and yeah, there are slopes out there, and some of them are bound to be slippery (this is where i point to the powerpoint slide of a slip ‘n slide positioned on a hill ending in a retaining wall) but there are also hills that go up and there is also navigation and guides and youtube tutorials. when i look at the friends around me here in the netherlands, a country where over 40 percent of people don’t associate with any kind of religion, I see friends that care for each other, and i see people passionate about making the world a better place. and i’m not trying to point out that they’re doing this all with out a god, but rather just that they’re doing it, and so are you guys, and that’s great. and at the same time we’re trying to learn from you guys too. i can be totally jealous of the forum you have (church) to talk about big words like humility and the like, and doing that from such an early age, it’s such a treasure.
I asked some of my friends recently if they could have a serious relationship with a religious person, and if there were some religions they would exclude because they thought it was too weird. they both told me they’d accept all, as long as they were not overly extreme and tried to pressure everyone around them to think the same, but it was a yes. it surprised me. i’m not sure what kind of conclusion i should take from that. but i just wrote it so… there.
i love thought exercises, but maybe they can be a kind of slope as well, slippery or not, because even if you do do the exercise or make some kind of a step, there is no way i, or anyone else could guarantee you that life is better on the other side (either side really) some people just really struggle, as a christian or not christian and some less, and then when looking at the struggle, things start to become really interesting, when trying to pick at it, take it apart, and see why it is the way it is.
and that’s why i’m here, because its all just a bunch of interesting, and i like that.
i hope someone kind find some logic in my typing.
oh, and when referring to the life is better this side that side thing near the end of my rambling, please don’t just tell me that life with Christ has more pleasure, or its all to come in heaven kind of stuff. like it’s a fact. it’s just does so little to me, i just see it as a sentence that’s there. (sorry if that sounds mean spirited but i’d rather find something goes into new territory.)
My dear amigo,
It is always healthy to question things. I ask only that you doubt your doubts. I hate the idea some Christians have that this life sucks, but HEY, the party starts in heaven. That doesn’t seem to be what the Bible says at all. And does life with Christ have more pleasure? Well, I definitely think so. But as you said, that does nothing for you and I’m not surprised. You haven’t gotten drunk off the fountain yet. You’re not far, though.
You’re friends’ responses surprises me too. It’s cool that they’d be so accepting. I honestly don’t know if I could be as tolerant of an extremist who tried to pressure everyone into his own beliefs. I’ve never much cared for those types. I’m glad you have a caring bunch of folks around you, whether they’re Christian or not. And there’s a bunch of folks in stl who care for you too. AND they’re gonna be stoked to have some Dutch in their lives again! Can’t wait for you to come home, studly face.
just to clarify for my friends’ sake, they would do with out the extremist relationships but don’t mind a religious partner.